When I was deciding to create this blog, I wanted it to be an authentic representation of the life of this project. The planning for my art tour began in July 2009 and I have been labouring away behind the scenes, making plans, contacting people, booking venues, confirming venues, applying for grants, etc, etc, and oh my God, even more etc. During the past several months, I have had hardly any studio time as I have been laying the ground work. Notes and occasionally sketching have been getting me by but now, NOW I must move on.
What has become of all this time of laying down the groundwork? Apparently…not much. Oh yes. There you go. I have enough respect for myself and for anyone who cares to read this to not fill it with untruths and even exaggerations.
Last week I received another funding rejection letter. I still have a couple more floating around out there and won’t know the outcome of these until July. Just yesterday I called another funding body to discuss my application (the application I have spent the last 3 weeks writing) to find out that I had just missed their deadline and the next deadline is too far into the future for this project to benefit. This was possibly a very stupid rookie error as I had not checked their schedule of deadlines. To be fair, other bodies I have been applying to don’t seem to work on quartlery deadlines so I didn’t even think to check. Plus, during the conversation with funder, I am certain I came across as a bit of an ass. I think the only way she could interpret what I was saying is something along the lines of ‘Hi. I make art. I’m having a bit of a bad time and made art about it. Can you please give me some money?’ Oh how I cringe. I even made notes listing key aspects to discuss, but crumbled when I detected a tone of ‘you’re wasting my time’ on the other end.
I feel so utterly defeated by this process. And this makes me very annoyed at myself. I have been through much MUCH more difficult circumstances in my life. Really. This is so small and insignificant, how can I let it be getting me down? Could it possibly be the fact that I have wasted 8 months applying for grants that aren’t coming through? To know that I could have been sitting in front of the t.v. every day all day long and still have the same outcome is beyond upsetting. What a waste.
So. I have drawn a line under yesterday. Today is a new day. This is my new start. I can’t waste my energy, time, resources on this so am moving on.
Other stuff that is getting me down:
I received an email out of the blue from a gallery near London, stating that they wanted me to submit work for an up coming exhibition. This just does not happen. Well, maybe it happens for others, but it doesn’t happen to me. I was so excited to receive the request that I made the mistake of telling my family about it. Unfortunately, my Dad responded in his usual way by making a joke out of it. What did he say…something like …they must really be struggling, or just starting up and desperately needing to fill the space…or maybe they are sending out this request and will just take the art and run. Later in the conversation I mentioned ‘stressed out’ and ‘my eye has been twitching for nearly 2 weeks now’ which was followed by him asking me what I am so stressed out about. Because the thing is, I work from home so therefore could not possibly be stressed out about anything. The thing to understand is that, according to my family, if you are not working 6 days a week outside of the home, then you are not working hard enough. If you are not putting in the long hours outside the home, then whatever it is you are up to, just isn’t respectable. Follow this to the conclusion that my own parents do not respect what I do or think that what I do is valuable.
I know I am far too old to allow this to hold much weight. But honestly. It does bother me. I wish I could shrug it off but you know, after years of this shit, it is becoming increasingly more difficult.
However, I would like to state for the record that my husband has been incredibly supportive. He sees me grappling, daily, and it concerns him that I am struggling as much as I am. Yesterday he sat me down and told me to spend the rest of the month just creating. Don’t think about the tour. Don’t think about the funding. Don’t even think about work for galleries. Just do what I was born to do and create, experiment, get sucked in to my little world of creativity and don’t come out until the end of the month. This has been the best advice I have received for months.